My addiction began long before I ever held a glass tube up to my lips in 1997 — I just didn’t know it yet.
In 1998, my mom unexpectedly showed up, took one look at me and my two toddler boys, and I just let her take them. Later that night, I looked at myself. I was skin and bones, disgusted at what I had allowed to happen. I called my mom and told her I needed help. She got me admitted to my first and only rehab.
I spent four days there. My takeaway from that short stay was simply that I couldn’t smoke dope anymore. That was it.
Hitting Rock Bottom
Fast forward almost a decade later. I was trapped in an abusive marriage — like many relationships I had tolerated before. I had lost myself completely, hopeless and broken. I lost everything again — including my boys, and even my freedom.
In the chaos of my life, I found my “best friend” again — the glass pipe. It didn’t care that I was ugly, broken, or damaged. It numbed the shame and guilt that told me I didn’t deserve love and that my boys would be better off without me.
By Halloween of 2009, I was sitting on a barstool, never much of a drinker, but desperate for anyone to steer me back into oblivion. I called some “friends” who were on their way to smoke the night away. But I also made another call — to the father of my two oldest sons.
He said the same thing he had said a million times before:
“When is enough going to be enough, Tracy? When are you going to stop and be the person I know you are?”
Something clicked. In that moment, I knew change had to happen. And that change had to be me.
The Turning Point
Not long after, the consequences of my actions finally caught up to me. I landed in more than just the prison I had created for myself — I found myself behind real bars. Oddly, I needed that.
In that place, I dug deep into everything I could:
- AA and NA meetings
- Journaling and self-reflection
- Confronting childhood trauma and broken relationships
- Rekindling my faith in God, my higher power
I got my freedom back in 2011. But freedom on paper didn’t mean freedom in my heart. I knew I still had bridges to rebuild and work to do.
Rebuilding and Recovery
I spent the next year focusing on myself, setting goals, and healing. I worked harder on my recovery than I had ever worked at chasing numbness. I built a support network that I still rely on today.
Recovery has taught me:
- To strive to be better than I was yesterday
- To accept that it will always be a process of learning, forgiving, perseverance, and progression
- That hope is real — even in the darkest moments
Today
This journey isn’t easy, but it’s worth every step. I am grateful every single day. I’ve been given the chance not only to rebuild my life, but also to give others hope.
Even if it’s just a glimmer, there’s always hope.
If you or a loved one is struggling with addiction, reach out to Avenues Recovery Center. With 15 beautiful addiction treatment centers across 7 states, recovery has never been closer to home.
You can find your way home today!