As a family member, friend, or loved one of an addict, it is essential that you enforce boundaries. Boundaries serve to protect yourself, hold the addict accountable, and break the pattern of addiction and manipulation.
It may sound extreme, difficult, or unkind, but healthy boundaries in recovery are ultimately crucial to both the addict and the loved ones living with them. This article will discuss setting boundaries for addicts, why it’s important, and examples of boundaries that are wise to enforce.
Why are Boundaries in Addiction Recovery Important?
Addicts often deny their addictive behavior, telling themselves and others that they can stop the drinking and/or drugs if they wish. They may also believe that the effects of drugs and alcohol on themselves and others- both physical and emotional- are not so bad. They may convince themselves that the consequences of remaining an addict are minimal, and that they will never be able to change their behavior, in any case.
In other words, changing damaging addictive behaviors is extremely difficult for an addict to fathom, so they may go to any measure to assure themselves that they don’t have to change. When family and friends change the pattern of their role in the addiction, it creates space for the addict to take accountability for their behavior and seek recovery.
Why Do Family and Friends Need Boundaries?
The loved ones of addicts can help open the possibility of recovery for the addict by setting boundaries and refusing to enable addictive behaviors. But boundaries serve a dual purpose. Aside from benefitting the addict themselves, boundaries can help protect the loved ones of the addict, keeping anger and resentment at bay.
It is common for family members and friends of addicts to become codependent on the addict. This means that they become people-pleasers who would rather allow the addict’s unhealthy behaviors to continue, to avoid confrontation or causing the addict to become upset.
When setting boundaries and making it clear that the addict may not cross them, loved ones put a stop to the manipulation, mind games, and conflict between the addict and other family members. It gives family members the space they need to avoid becoming enmeshed or codependent on the addict.
Setting Boundaries in Recovery
Family members and friends of addicts often don’t realize that they are allowing the damaging behavior to continue when they fail to enforce boundaries. As much as they wish their loved one would stop using alcohol or drugs, they don’t realize how their own behavior may be perpetuating the unhealthy cycle.
Addicts thrive in secrecy. If addicts can lie without being called out on it, or if the people around them cover up their destructive behavior so they don’t have to suffer the consequences, they will feel perfectly comfortable continuing their addictive behaviors.
Loved ones who practice such behaviors may believe that they are protecting the addict and helping them recover. They mistakenly think that enforcing any sort of boundary will cause the addict to engage more deeply in their addiction. However, data shows that the exact opposite is true.
Why Setting Boundaries With An Addict is Hard
Any time a person adopts new, healthier behaviors, the dynamics amongst loved ones shift. The addict may resist the new boundaries, test them over and over again to see if the person is serious, or vocally and physically denounce the person setting the boundaries.
Change is always hard, but it is especially difficult for an addict. This is because they feel like they have no control over their behavior and cannot possibly create lasting change. As the loved one of an addict, it’s important to stay calm and firm, regardless of the consequences.
How To Set Boundaries With an Alcoholic Or Drug Addict
If you’re living with an alcoholic or drug addict, setting boundaries is a difficult task. Here are some tips that can make it easier:
- Have a neutral, non-confrontational conversation with the addict. Explain that their addiction/ behaviors are difficult to live with, and therefore certain boundaries need to be put in place.
- Gently guide them through whichever boundaries you have chosen to set. You can opt to explain why they are necessary, or refrain from doing so.
- In a firm but kind manner, assert that the boundaries must be respected. Explain an immediate consequence that will occur if the boundaries are breached.
- Reiterate that you are not trying to hurt the addict or cause unnecessary suffering, but you feel a moral obligation to protect yourself and other loved ones from the destructive behaviors.
- You can also take this opportunity to offer help to the addict. Explain that you would love to help the addict enter recovery, and ask what you can do to achieve that goal.
Examples of Healthy Boundaries
Boundaries can be tricky, because while they are enforced to protect yourself from manipulation and codependency from the addict, they can shift to a form of control and manipulation over the addict from the healthy loved one. This is an unhealthy behavior that can hurt both the addict and the person setting the boundaries.
Healthy boundaries may include:
- No drugs or alcohol in the house
- No sharing drugs or alcohol with younger siblings
- No friends who drink or use drugs are allowed into the house
- If you lose your job, you won’t get money from us instead
- You cannot abuse loved ones when drunk or high
- We will no longer cover for you when you are missing at important events
- We will not lie to people about your behavior to protect you
- We will not bail you out of prison if you get arrested for using drugs
- Lying will not be tolerated- the addict must always tell the truth
Be aware that the boundaries are put in place to protect you and others who are vulnerable. They are NOT intended to make the addict suffer unnecessarily, to take revenge on the addict, or control the addict in any way. If you feel inclined to impose unhealthy boundaries on your addicted loved one, please seek therapeutic support.
Conclusion
There are many aspects of addiction which make it challenging for loved ones to continue living with an addict. But just as lying and addiction come hand in hand, boundaries and recovery do, too. In other words, an addict may lie many times while in active addiction, but as a family member or friend who is suffering, you can set boundaries to protect yourself.
At Avenues Recovery, we support addicted individuals and their loved ones through recovery with one-on-one and group therapies, alongside caring and professional mental health counselors. We have assisted thousands of addicts through medical detox and long-lasting sobriety throughout our many rehab centers across the States. Reach out today to begin your recovery journey!