I think most of my life and throughout my addiction, it was always outside circumstances, right? I was trying to always fix an internal problem with external things. So it was, you know, the town I grew up in, it was maybe the relationship I was in, you know, it was my job. Like, it was always everything else, right? And I moved out of state, I moved to Philadelphia.
And at that point, I just had completely did all the things I said I never was going to do, right? I was strung out. I was selling guns, getting involved with the wrong people. And honestly, most of my nights was me in my room by myself with a gun in my mouth. I didn't want to live. I had no hope, no desire to keep going on. And I didn't think there was a way out.
You know, like I said before, I just, it was more so I don't think that I wanted to continue feeling the way I was feeling, right? I didn't want to die, you know? I just didn't think there was a way out. And I don't know. I just, I was completely hopeless and broken. And I think I had to get to that point, right, to like really be able to want to make a change in my life, right?
When the opportunity presented itself and I finally did ask for help, that's when I was finally able to give into this and really do what it took to stay sober, to make the changes in my life, to just give myself a chance. It's a circle - somebody had done it for me, reached their hand out to help, gave me the opportunity, helped me get sober. I still have people till this day that continue to help me stay sober, and then I'm able to in turn do the same thing. I'm able to reach my hand out today to the next suffering alcoholic and addict and say, “Hey, listen, you don't have to live like this anymore.”
I almost feel like I'm gonna cry. I never get like that. I just I don't know, I'm able to really take myself back to that pain. I'm able to really feel that emotion. I think sometimes people get sober and they kind of forget where they came from, you know? I'm able to keep that green, keep it fresh. And I'm able to use that emotion to really, like I said, connect with somebody, and really make people understand - like listen, I've been in your shoes and you don't have to live like this anymore. There is a better way of life.
I think some days can be tough, especially because I have to keep my cup full to be able to do this stuff. So it's very important for me that I have my own recovery outside of work. I make sure I'm doing the things that I'm suggesting to other people. Trying to live with integrity and be a decent person. I think getting sober is obviously the goal, but I think the most important thing is to be sober and happy. I don't want to be sober and miserable, right? I want to live a life with purpose. I want to be happy. I want people in my life. I want good relationships. I want, I want love. That's what life is about, you know?
I mean, yeah, for almost 15 years, I lived in misery, completely lost, hopeless, had no direction, no purpose in my life. And I think within the four years that I've been sober, I've had more love and joy and happiness than I've had the entire rest of my life. I'm free.
I think if I could think of any word to encapsulate being sober, the first thing that comes to mind is freedom, right? I am finally free. I wake up every day and I'm able to I'm free, right? I'm not bound to some substance, you know, that is controlling my life. You know, I'm free. I'm able to wake up and just live my life. I'm free to make connections. I'm free to just to live.
So you don't have to continue to keep going on in the misery that you're living in alone with nobody, every day, with no purpose, no direction, thinking there's no way out. And there is, right? You know, for years I didn't think there was a way out, you know, and all I had to do was ask for help. I had to reach out. I had to ask somebody for help and stop trying to figure it out on my own because you can't do it alone. You need support, you need help. Even four years sober, I still need help every day. I need a network. I need to be plugged into something greater than me. You can have that freedom too. You just need to pick up the phone and have a conversation with us.
Give yourself a chance.