KP's Story

Well, to put it simply, I was just lost. I didn't really want to die; I just didn't want to feel the way that I was feeling anymore. To be totally transparent, there were days where I would drive to work and just hope that maybe, you know, a Mack truck would run a red light… because I was just tired of the way that I was feeling and I couldn't see anything. I couldn't see a way out.

I didn't know anything about recovery. My best friend of over a decade was in recovery, but I had nothing to go off of. I had no idea what it looked like, other than that his life went from a not great situation to a great one over time, and he had to put a lot of work in.

I truly believe that it was divine intervention that I got to rehab. My grandfather had dementia. And, you know, I wasn't the best because I was in my addiction. I wasn't the best to anybody. I was so self-centered and focused on getting my fix, getting what I needed, that I would lie and manipulate and just step over whoever it was that I had to step over with no regard of how they felt. And what I put my mother through and what I put my family through… My sister didn't trust me being around the house.

And - weird, I just went out the night before I went to rehab and I went to a bar. It was not a good time. And I came home and I was just done with everything. I just deleted all my social media. I didn't want to be a part of anything anymore. All I did was work for the drugs that I needed. I wasn't paying my bills. I was relying on my mother to just bail me out of every situation - because she did; she enabled me.

And I had a dream. My grandfather used to talk to himself in the mirror when he had dementia, and he didn't know it was himself, so he called the guy “Gus”. And I had a dream that I needed money to get high, so I stole somebody's truck. And I somehow left my keys in their house so I went back to the house to get them. And then the guy caught me, essentially, but instead of calling the cops or whatever, he just shook my hand and told me that everything was going to be okay and that his name was Gus. I woke up not knowing what the hell that was even about.

But then a couple hours later my best friend called me. His life was still going great, but he just was slipping up a little bit. And he called me and he said, “Dude, I'm going to treatment, so you probably won't hear from me for a little bit.” And I thought in that moment, I said, “Wow. If this guy is looking at himself in the mirror saying he needs to go back to treatment, then maybe I need to go.” But I still wasn't really going for myself in that moment. It was comfortability. I'll go with my best friend, I'll go for a week. I'll use successfully when I come home, my mom will be off my case, I can use recreationally… All that stuff that we tend to think that it's still possible to somehow maintain it.

So my friend then told the treatment center to call me, and they reached out to me. And 12 hours later, I was in a car headed to a treatment center in a city I had never been to that was two hours away from me. We got there real late - it was like three in the morning. I woke up the next morning and still didn't really want it, but it was something about the atmosphere of the place. Something about being in a place where I knew, I felt home. I felt home. There were people in there who were just like me, who were not judging me.

I remember this sweet old woman named Liz. I was eating lunch and I was the new guy, so she came over to introduce herself. And I stood up to, you know, shake her hand, and she was like, “Oh no, baby, we do hugs around here.” And I stood up and hugged her, and from that moment on I called her Mama Bear.

It was one of the greatest experiences of my life. The things that I learned about myself while I was in there… I had my 26th birthday in rehab, and when I first got there, I hated the idea of having a birthday in rehab. But then that day came around and I knew it's exactly, exactly where I needed to be. I truly found myself in rehab.

The biggest moment of my stay there came a couple of days before I was due to leave. (And this is why it's important to tell on yourself when you need to.) My job paid me out for my vacation early. They sent the check to my grandmother's house, and she didn't know I was in treatment. So I was due to leave in three days. And I all of a sudden start to think of how I am going to make this work so that I can use one more time when I get home. Even though I have just made all this progress - because that's what addiction does, I came to find out. It gets in your ear and it just lies and manipulates and it gaslights you, and says you'll never be happy without… And it's just all nonsense, that's just not true.

And I just remember for a day and a half having this plan to use. You know, I'll use on this night, I'll go to IOP Monday, it’ll be out of my system and all will be forgotten. But I didn't like the way that I was feeling. I felt very anxious. I was hiding something. I hadn't left treatment yet and I was already in the process of relapsing. So I asked the staff to pick up the phone, and I called my mother. And I was I was crying, and I told her that she needed to go pick the check up before I got home and just ruined everything, all the progress that I made.

And it was making that decision right then and there that my obsession - not cravings, because even over two years later, I still get those - but my obsession in that moment left me. Because in that moment, I told on myself, and I did what I had to do to stay sober. I felt that the universe was throwing me a bone, but I got to choose whether the bone was for addiction or the bone was for recovery. I chose recovery, and I've chosen recovery every single day since then.

I'm not a perfect person. I am very stubborn, and I hate to lose. I'm competitive. But I've also learned how to turn my vices into virtues. So those “ bad character flaws” are actually two of the most important things in my life today. Because of how stubborn and hardheaded and competitive that I can be, I use that in my fight against addiction. And now on a day-to-day basis, even though it took a little time to get there, it's pretty easy. It gets easier after a while.

There's a thing called “Just For Today” and it's a reading, and the readings are beautiful. Every day you can read a new one. But with the right amount of work and belief in yourself, “Just For Today” ends. It's no longer a 24-hour thing. It becomes longer stretches in between where you feel, “Wow, 13 days went by and I didn't think about using.” Then the next time it's a month and a half. Then instead of you hanging on to that thought of using for four hours, next thing you know it's in and out of your head in two minutes and you go about your day.

And it is the most freeing and empowering thing that somebody can ever do, to be able to fight something like that. Because it's something that has you in a chokehold for a long period of your life, depending on how long this has been going on for you. I mean, for me, it was from the time I was 12 till I was 26. I didn't know what recovery was supposed to look like. I didn't know how to live sober. All those formative years of my life - teenager, going through middle school, going through high school, graduating - I knew nothing of being sober. I was sitting in rehab at 26 years old with three days sober and realized I hadn't had three days sober since I was 12 years old. But I figured it out.

It started with other people. Didn't really start from me. People will tell you it does start with you, and that's true. But if it wasn't for other people truly believing in me at the same time, I don't know if I would have found that belief in myself. And here at Avenues, that's what we offer. From the first phone call that you're going to make, to meeting with the nurses, to meeting your therapist, to meeting the techs and other peers, that's what it is. We help you every step of the way till you feel you can walk on your own again.

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